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Hopefully, you'll laugh your way out o' tha weeds.

FEATURED JOKE

THE SPOON


Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked round the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil.
This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"
"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."




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Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!


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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"



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Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"





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Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

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Three couples are dining together.
The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".
The English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".
The [you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow".


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Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"



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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."



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Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.



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A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".


A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"



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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.



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A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."
"What's a Midnight Special?"
"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"
"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"

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Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

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Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.

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Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.

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Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.

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Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

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Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

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Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!

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Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.



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Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?

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Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.



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Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?



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Waiter, I cant seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup.
Would you expect to find angels in angel cake?



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Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.



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And how did you find your steak sir?
Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was...





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Waiter: These are the best eggs weve had for years.
Diner: Well, bring me some you havent had around for that long.



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Peppered Halibut, Green Beans, and Olive Salad
Served with a loaf of crusty French bread, this lively salad makes the perfect summertime dinner.

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How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

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How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.

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How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up."